The Holiday

Have you ever watched one of those movies that seems like it was just custom-made for your life? I swear Kate Winslet's character in the Holiday... just that. Arthur Abbot's character put it so bluntly; "There are leading ladies, and there are the Best Friends. Now I can see you're Leading Lady material, so why are you playing the best friend?" Why the hell am I playing the best friend?? I've been the best friend all of my life. Is it because I'm just used to that role? Is it because I'm too afraid I'll get rejected? Or is it I'm too much of a pansy to reach out of my comfort zone? Quite possibly it's a mix of all three. My problem, quite frankly, is that I'm always there when he needs me. Thus, I mold quite perfectly into the Best Friend role. And I can't stand to not be there because a little of him is better than nothing, right? And I'm forever holding on to this idea that he'll come to his senses someday and realize I was the best girlfriend he ever had and come back to me. The other scenario is that he comes to his senses and by then, I'll have found someone else. However, both scenes require that he comes to his senses, and I don't think THAT will ever happen. And for now I'm listening to him tell me about this "awesome girl" and blah blah blah, constantly torturing myself by responding "Oh yeah she sounds great, you should go for her..." Meanwhile, I'm missing out on my life and the good prospects that ARE around when I need them, not when I am needed. Because it has to go two ways. One has to need as well as be needed. And I'm always there when he needs me, but is he ever there when I need him? No. And I am shaming those who I admire; real, strong women by sitting around with no "gumption" and not being the Leading Lady of my own damned life. There is no ready, there's only willing. And no doubt I'm not ready to leave him and that part of my past behind, but I need to be willing. willing to dive headfirst into my own life. Because everything is wayyy better in the front row, as opposed to sitting in the shadows.