THIS

I don't think I should have to deal with THIS stuff anymore. At this point in my life, I should be relaxing and not worrying about getting into a relationship. Maybe I don't WANT one. Maybe I just want to be a mom to my daughter. I don't think I should be the one deciding this sort of thing anyways. You asked me what I wanted, I told you; I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I gave you an honest answer and I'm not leading you on. Sorry if my answer was confusing, but do you really think I've thinking about getting into a serious relationship this close to giving birth? I don't get you either. I don't think you know what you want in life either because at 20 years old, I highly doubt you want " Dad" on your resume. My daughter and I come as a packaged deal babe. Decided what you really want and we'll go from there.

I don't know

I'm caught in the middle of what could be a bad situation. I don't know how to handle this kind of thing and if I wasn't so stupid to get myself caught in this in the first place it would never have happened..... Lord I pray for the best

The Big Picture

So... my ultrasound is tomorrow. Yay!!!! I'll get to see my little girl wiggling around some more which is always a blessing. She is such a beautiful baby. I got my hair cut just for the occasion. Oddly enough as I was walking around Downtown today, even with my pregnant belly visible, I'm still getting hit on by men. It's like they don't even care I'm someone's mom (which is actually somewhat creepy...). I've even had men try to ask me for dinner as soon as they find out I'm single still. I really don't know what to think of that. On one hand, I'm flattered that they still find me attractive but on the other, I'm kind of.... wondering what exactly their intentions are. I mean you get those creepy men out there. But some guys have that hero complex where they want to "save the damsel in distress" but are they going to still be attracted when they find out that I really don't need to be saved? I mean, yeah I feel lonely a lot, but I really do have things under control. I can save myself. Anywho, I had a dream the other night about my first love. It was really more like a memory of various intimate times we shared all rolled into one. I saw his eyes and that wonderful look in them he got when he was really looking at me and you could just see how he cared in his eyes. Usually a dream like that would make me sad, remembering all I've lost. But I woke up really happy and refreshed.... like maybe it is all becoming a sweet memory. Maybe... after all this time... I'm finally moving on???

Racing to the Fifth Marker (month)

Ahhhh it's the end of September and I can't believe in about 2 weeks I'll be five months along. The long awaited baby bump is present now, even with the lack of weight gain. I'm literally at the half way point. Part of me is jumping out of my skin, hardly able to wait until my precious daughter is in my arms, another part of me is thinking "oh no! I'm going to be HUGE!" While yet another part of me wants this to slow down a bit. Half way already???? Regardless, I'm struggling daily; trying to find a job, trying to connect with my friends who seem to have adopted the "out of sight out of mind" doctrine, and although they try once in awhile, I know they have their own lives and are busy with their things so I feel selfish, but I also feel very alone. I'm coming to terms that in a sense, I AM in this all alone. Nobody can understand my situation because no one I know has gone through it. I'm feeling the need to reach out and hold onto someone, anyone, but I'm grasping at air. There's no one I can lean on in such a way. This is why you are supposed to do things in a certain order, because the person you're supposed to lean on in this instance is the one you chose to be your Best Friend and Partner for the rest of your life; your husband. I don't have one of those unfortunately and the man, excuse me, the insult to the male gender I created this beautiful life with abandoned myself and our child for his own selfish needs. Unlike him, I can't just pick up my life and date as many people as I want. For one thing, I need to think about my daughter first. For another, what man my age (or any man for that matter) wants to date a pregnant woman? Especially one as young as I am??? I can't give my daughter her biological father, but then again, I can't give her ANY father. And for the next 18 plus years, she will come first. My needs are second. These are very selfish thoughts; to want to connect with people, to establish a relationship with a man, but they are present and though I try, I can't shake the desire to just BE with people. To feel loved by those around me, to feel worthwhile. Self-love and worth comes from within, but at this point I really feel just so lost and alone, I don't know what to do with myself. Lord, please give me strength.

GONE!!! And I feel so alive

Well my last boyfriend is out of my life, leaving me pregnant and unattached. And I couldn't be happier about it. Trying to love him was wearing me down but I did it for the baby and the hope one day I'd learn to love him. Thankfully he decided to be a jackass and basically did what I should've done three months ago BEFORE I got pregnant. Thank goodness.

Hmmmm...

Looking over my previous blogs, you can't even BEGIN to imagine how much my life has changed within the past three months. Not only am I happily in a relationship, I am preparing to become, in a few months time, a wife and a mommy, Scary, isn't it? How things change so suddenly? Not to mention, this pregnancy is much more difficult than I thought it would be. I had morning sickness quite literally every day for the first two and a half months, I've come down with two infections, and if I'm not careful, will be regulated to bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. Lovely. However, I am still just as active as ever just more.... careful I guess. Till next time

To be perfectly blunt:

I want my boyfriend back. For good. I am sick and tired of these stupid little games that we're playing with each other; no I really don't care, but I still want a certain aspect of our past relationship to still be on the menu, I just don't want to pay for it. Or, to use a better analogy; I want to use the runway and airspace without a flying contract. Well, you know what buddy??? You need an effing contract to use this airport. And I don't really want a contract with another airline thankyouverymuch. Just that one. Because the trial runways with other airlines were unsatisfactory and served nothing more to want to renew a contract with the previous airline. This new pilot I'm test running is inexperienced and causes the airport to be way ahead of schedule..... Dammit we want planes coming in ON TIME not FIVE EFFING HOURS AHEAD OF TIME. An hour long flight is supposed to take an hour, not five effing minutes. That was the shortest flight EVER. And I'm just going to bitch and moan about it. That was just ridiculous.... anywho, I am still very much a fan of the old airline and I've got to stop all this nonsense. It's time to play hardball. Either sign the contract or get out. Because I'm tired of hurting myself and analyzing over what your actions mean. At this point, nothing is better than something.....