To be perfectly blunt:

I want my boyfriend back. For good. I am sick and tired of these stupid little games that we're playing with each other; no I really don't care, but I still want a certain aspect of our past relationship to still be on the menu, I just don't want to pay for it. Or, to use a better analogy; I want to use the runway and airspace without a flying contract. Well, you know what buddy??? You need an effing contract to use this airport. And I don't really want a contract with another airline thankyouverymuch. Just that one. Because the trial runways with other airlines were unsatisfactory and served nothing more to want to renew a contract with the previous airline. This new pilot I'm test running is inexperienced and causes the airport to be way ahead of schedule..... Dammit we want planes coming in ON TIME not FIVE EFFING HOURS AHEAD OF TIME. An hour long flight is supposed to take an hour, not five effing minutes. That was the shortest flight EVER. And I'm just going to bitch and moan about it. That was just ridiculous.... anywho, I am still very much a fan of the old airline and I've got to stop all this nonsense. It's time to play hardball. Either sign the contract or get out. Because I'm tired of hurting myself and analyzing over what your actions mean. At this point, nothing is better than something.....

Einstein's Theory...no not THAT one

Everyone is familiar with Einstein's Theory of Relativity. This we all know. However, still a great number of people are familiar with another great theory of his; his theory on Insanity. Insanity, he said, was repeating something over and over again, expecting a different result from the first time. By this standard, I think a great deal of people on this Earth are qualified as Insane. Myself included. Myself especially. I do not know WHAT I am thinking sometimes...no. That isn't true. I know EXACTLY what is going on in my mind. I am Insane. I admit it freely. But truly, can you qualify it as Insanity? Or something else? Like...maybe...perhaps...possibly...love? Andrew McMahon said it, and I'll repeat it here: "Why do I do, these things I do to myself?" Oh Andrew... We are all Insane sometimes.

Beautiful

She woke up to him breathing lightly on her forehead. His arm around her, so protective, so loving. She looked at the clock and immediately cursed; she was going to be late to class. She didn't want to leave. She looked at his sleeping form; his slightly pink cheeks, slightly open mouth. He looked so peaceful, so beautiful she couldn't bear to wake him. As she lay there, taking in his form, recalling all they had been through, what they had made. Stupid clock. She slowly slid out of the bed, careful not to wake him. At that moment, it would've been wrong to disturb something so lovely. She got dressed and prepared to leave, and as she did so, took one last glance. At that moment, nothing looked so beautiful. What she wouldn't give to be lost in that moment forever. She kissed his head oh so lightly one last time, love filling her heart. You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen and I will always love you.


*CLICK* went the camera.....

Ironically?

So earlier this evening I helped out a friend of mine deal with his emotional turmoil as he found out the girl who's affection he was after didn't return his feelings for her. Like any friend, I assured him she was obviously one "dumb beezy" if she couldn't see how awesome he was. I thought "Wow, that really sucks; when you realize that the person who you have formed into this idealized version of what a person should be, they don't hold you in the same regard." I titled this blog Ironically? for a reason. I came to the exact same realization tonight after interacting with he whom my attentions were turned towards. I realized he just didn't see me in that way and maybe, sometimes, people are just nice. It's not easy to deal with this realization. to realize all the little moments your were driving yourself crazy over, trying to figure out what they all meant, meant nothing more than they object of your affections at least had some effing manners. Either that or he/she was, what I like to call, a selfish fuckhead and how dare they play with your emotions? But I don't think this is so in my case... I think he's just nice. Which actually makes it worse because you can't refer to them as a selfish fuckhead and convince yourself that you are way better off without them. No, you just didn't peak their interest. Which usually spins off into this whole "I'm obviously hideous/boring/not worth liking blah blah" nonsense that usually isn't true. They just missed out. And it's time to take my own advice. I KNOW I am an attractive, smart and caring young woman who has a full life ahead of her. Just because some guy doesn't like me doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Yes, we as humans all want to feel liked by our peers and by those whom we hold in high regard. Is it always going to happen? No. What can we do about it? Not a damned thing. Because sometimes in life, you will just feel like you're taking one up the rear (unless you actually like that which is cool too, just not necessarily my thing) or whatever. It's life, it happens. I should consider myself lucky that at one point during my life I was able to truly love somebody with all my heart (not this time, this time it was only a crush thank God. Don't want to go through THAT again), I'm not made of stone. I'm a human who can feel dammit!!!! And I am blessed enough to be surrounded by awesome friends who love me and prove to me everyday that I am worth knowing and loving. And then, there is always my blog that lets me rant and rave as much as words can express. Especially since my subjects thus far (excluding my friends of course) I can assume do not read this ever, and therefore I can pour out all of my true feelings without fear of it biting me in the ass so to speak.

Public Speaking... aka My Worst Nightmare

So if any of you have ever had the opportunity to converse with me (which hopefully pertains to all of you.... the only people actually reading this.... aka Kenn, Jenny, Lea and Dylan...) you definitely know I am anything but shy. Which is why it makes no sense that when I suddenly get in front of a crowd of my peers (or anybody actually.) I freeze up; throat tightens, absolutely cannot swallow, the stutter starts. I think this stems from an inner insecurity about looking like an idiot in front of people I have to deal with. And it's not just when giving a presentation or something. Every time I get called on in class, same affliction. I self-doubt and ultimately make a bigger idiot out of myself with the whole "uhhh uhh ummm well.....uhhhh" thing I usually do. You could have me up on stage in front of 50 people reciting what I had for lunch and all of a sudden I studder worse than a politician who was just caught with a prostitute and cocaine: " Well...ummm I...uhh... well you see.....NO IT WASN'T ME!!!" What? Picturing my audience has no effect on calming me whatsoever I have found out. The last time that happened was during the speech portion of Academic Decathlon and I nearly blinded myself picturing this old retired military guy and this long raven-haired hippie of an old woman in their skivvy's and wasted a a full 20 seconds I could've used to defend my point on blinking and making faces. If anybody (aka Dylan, Kenn, Lea and Jenny) have any helpful hints, please inform me because I really would rather use my credits on something I enjoy rather than take this ludicrous excuse for an actual course that they offer at the fine establishment at which I am currently enrolled.

The Holiday

Have you ever watched one of those movies that seems like it was just custom-made for your life? I swear Kate Winslet's character in the Holiday... just that. Arthur Abbot's character put it so bluntly; "There are leading ladies, and there are the Best Friends. Now I can see you're Leading Lady material, so why are you playing the best friend?" Why the hell am I playing the best friend?? I've been the best friend all of my life. Is it because I'm just used to that role? Is it because I'm too afraid I'll get rejected? Or is it I'm too much of a pansy to reach out of my comfort zone? Quite possibly it's a mix of all three. My problem, quite frankly, is that I'm always there when he needs me. Thus, I mold quite perfectly into the Best Friend role. And I can't stand to not be there because a little of him is better than nothing, right? And I'm forever holding on to this idea that he'll come to his senses someday and realize I was the best girlfriend he ever had and come back to me. The other scenario is that he comes to his senses and by then, I'll have found someone else. However, both scenes require that he comes to his senses, and I don't think THAT will ever happen. And for now I'm listening to him tell me about this "awesome girl" and blah blah blah, constantly torturing myself by responding "Oh yeah she sounds great, you should go for her..." Meanwhile, I'm missing out on my life and the good prospects that ARE around when I need them, not when I am needed. Because it has to go two ways. One has to need as well as be needed. And I'm always there when he needs me, but is he ever there when I need him? No. And I am shaming those who I admire; real, strong women by sitting around with no "gumption" and not being the Leading Lady of my own damned life. There is no ready, there's only willing. And no doubt I'm not ready to leave him and that part of my past behind, but I need to be willing. willing to dive headfirst into my own life. Because everything is wayyy better in the front row, as opposed to sitting in the shadows.

Sounds of Summer

As of today, I have exactly 11 days left of school, which brings me to the realization; I will no longer be a freshman in college. Where does the time go? I wish I could say I've had a productive year... it's actually been more of a learning experience really. Nevertheless, summer is fast approaching which means there are playlists to be made, jobs to get, friends to hang out with, gas to waste. I am so desperately waiting for my good friend Lea to leave Dallas and spend her summer with me. I'm also waiting to see my very best friend, the sensatiable Jenny June Vergara, with whom I spent possibly every waking moment of last summer with. I can almost picture it now; driving up PCH, Rise Against blasting out the speakers, camera in hand. Best summer of my 18, almost 19 years. This summer, who knows? My older sister is graduating from college and then is moving to Peru for two years. Two full years my sister won't be nearby. Now there's a change. I hope to spend a good deal of the first part of my summer hanging out with her till she leaves and I don't get to see her as the program she's going to be participating in does not allow them to come home at all during those two years. About a week and a half ago, I could feel the change in the air; something was going to happen. Is going to happen. Who knows what the future has in store for me, for my friends/loved ones. As for now I'm busy creating playlists; our Soundtrack to Summer. Because when words fail to express, that's where the music comes in.